Tales From The Intergluteal Cleft and Fashion Observations.

mom jeans

Here is a photo of me in my Mom Jeans mid 90’s Mom Jeans

Tales from the Intergluteal Cleft….

Yes, that is the medical term for “Butt Crack” as much as I would have liked to name this particular blog “tales from the butt crack” I figured I might get flagged, or garnered an audience that was not really interested in intestinal health, wellness or humor….before we begin I need to get the disclaimer out of the way: I am not giving any medical or treatment advice here, this is just my opinion and not approved probably by most agencies….

As a rule I don’t offer colon hydrotherapy advice on the world wide web, that requires a digestive consultation in our office and a novella of paperwork to determine what, when, why and why not as the case may be sometimes.

I will however offer some interesting stories, a few insights and my own personal experience since I am always getting myself into situations that require the title of “Guess what the heck happened now”

First off let me begin by saying I am an anatomy nerd. I love it, it speaks to me in a language reserved for brainy science and biology loving nerds like myself. The skeletal muscles were an absolute pain in the Gluteus Maximus to learn, let alone teach. There are approximately 685 (some sources say 840) of skeletal muscles in your body.  I love the way they tell me where they are located, what they do and the fact they can be both antagonist (a muscle that opposes the action of another) and agonist (the prime mover) So they have a relationship, kinda like Yin and Yang….We as people should learn from that and be more like muscles!

Often times I tend to speak in anatomical terms. I have to be careful not only so that the person I am talking with doesn’t glaze over, (much like I do when an actuarial science person tries to explain risks, statistics and finance to me) or that I don’t miss-pronounce stuff. More on that in another blog post.

So back to the Intergluteal Cleft, more pointedly the “Superior Intergluteal Cleft”, for many years this was my only source of cleavage. Trust me on this, low rise jeans were to me like a halter top to a DD cupped women. I could not find a pair of jeans that fit! If they fit my derriere they gaped open at the waist!

Some Fashion Observations:

The Era of Low Rise Jeans;

My first era being the hip hugging bell bottoms I wore to high school in the early 1970’s. On one such day my visible Superior Intergluteal Cleft (upper part of the butt crack) was gifted a metal silk screen letter purposefully dropped down it in D.E. class while we were silk screening fan wear. I slapped that boy so hard his eyes watered!

The second coming of low rise jeans came for me when I was an established mom in my 30’s not wanting to wear “mom jeans” from Lands End (however I love their winter coats) these low rise jeans were not made for me either. Putting on a belt and then tucking in my shirt gave me the “muffin top” look that having two babies made unavoidable. There was an incident when I got the nick name of  “Plumber” from my then soccer family, which I didn’t live down for years, no more sitting on a blanket watching the game for me! Now I am a “plumber” of sorts in my career, kinda ironic isn’t it?

Thank goodness now that I am in my 50’s jeans are more fitting, but don’t get me started on the leggings just yet…

Some Observations on Wellness:

Sitting on your Intergluteal Cleft all day has lately been referred to the “New Smoking” Like smoking was ever new, and like sitting on your arse all day was ever good for you? However with the internet and social media the trend is to make up new terminology and fear tactics to get the same old points across, i.e.: smoking is bad for you and so is sitting on you butt all day. Get up and move, nothing new here people….

Speaking of moving, you know I am going to go there…I am a colon hydrotherapist after all. There are other muscles in your body besides skeletal. You have cardiac muscles, obviously they handle the heart business, and you have smooth muscles. Your colon, or intestines are fine example of these (your entire digestive tract are as well). These muscles are “moved” by a function called peristalsis. This is an involuntary action of constriction and relaxation making wave like movements to push stuff along controlled by your nervous system. This is why we cannot digest very well when we are upset, angry, or running from the Saber Toothed Tiger. The nervous system knows to send energy to the cardiac and skeletal muscles during those times. We need to breathe, pump blood and run like the wind, not digest when we are being chased. This is why we get nauseated for instance we almost get in a car wreck, or see the flashing lights in our rear view mirror.

There is so much more to go into here but I will not bore you with an anatomy lesson on digestion, you can make an appointment at Aqua Serene Wellness with me for that! Please do, I promise it will be informative and fun.

Parting Story on a Personal Note:

I will leave you with another short personal story concerning my Superior Intergluteal Cleft…I was reminded of this story the other day when a friend asked me about chiggers..those annoying little bugs that itch like the dickens. Again, let me state that I am not giving any medical or treatment advice here!! There are many holistic home remedies for these annoying things, aloe, calamine lotion, ice, peppermint, etc., my grandma, being an American Indian from the hills of W. Va., had all kinds of concoctions she used on us kids, most stunk, burned or made you throw up. They all seemed to work, or we were so miserable from the side effects of the concoction we forgot about the original complaint. Nail polish was her go to for many things, chigger bites included.

Fast forward to many years later while gardening my “cleavage” was showing and the chiggers found their way to that delicate skin exposed above my gardening jeans and they feasted on me. After using calamine, peppermint, aloe, ice, etc., I remembered Grandma’s nail polish advice…all I had was red nail polish…Yep for three days I sported “Latin Dance Night Red” in the vicinity of my superior intergluteal cleft!
Please comment with any funny stories or thoughts you may have concerning the content of this blog in the manner it was intended, to make you giggle, or possibly chuckle your glutes off. This way I know it was worth me just sitting here doing the “new smoking” thing.

Visit us at Aqua Serene Wellness In Carmel Indiana (home of the never ending roundabout)

301 E Carmel Drive Suite C-100, Carmel, Indiana 46032  phone 317-564-0930

e-mail: info@aquaserenewellness.com

4 replies
  1. Erika Haverstick
    Erika Haverstick says:

    I love that your behind is your cleavage! I have those DDs and honestly, never even considered a halter top a good idea. So I feel your pain, but flipped top side. I then thought of all my DD struggles, and the idea of you struggling along with me albeit differently. You “crack” me up!

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