The Perfect Turd…
First off, let me get the disclaimer out of the way:
This post is based on my personal opinion and experience. It is not designed to treat, diagnose or make any medical claims or advice. It will however most likely offend someone, since no one likes to be told they are full of “crap”
When I started thinking about writing this blog post, I shelved it twice. It is a subject most people find embarrassing, offensive, private and quite gross. I had many titles for it; The Perfect Poop, The Scoop on Your Poop, Tales from the Toilet, but really who gives a $hit what you call it, the point is, here is my blog post and it’s about The Perfect Turd, (I divorced it…twice.)
When you come to my office and fill out the intake from you will see a diagram of The Bristol Stool Chart.
People either skip this little exercise all together or check off every one of the boxes. It helps people understand a bit more about their “habits” Usually the discussion is enlightening and people can set a personal goal and figure out the what, why and how of making The Perfect Turd. Then, once successful they can throw a private cheer party for themselves in the bathroom at home one day, document the moment MENTALLY (please no photos) and have a happy day because they are now less full of crap then the day before!
I am going to give you a small bit of history on why I do what I do. I have been a colon hydrotherapist for about 8 years. I had some very good teachers along the way and made many friends over discussing bowel movements. Conversations with me tend to go to crap! I met my friends Robin and Sharon this way, we worked together in the “industry” Water cooler talk? Our water cooler was an Angel of Water® Colon Hydrotherapy Machine. Later on, I met Tina and Trina, both became colleagues of mine in the same Crappy Job, you could say we were plumbers of a sort. We are all still friends, even though they have moved on and I am still slinging “it”. We get together on occasion for dinner, a glass of wine, some live music, girl talk and the conversation always turns to what we ate, what supplement is new, the latest on gut/brain research and the scoop on poop.
How Soccer Saved My Life…
It is with pride that I celebrate the Private Cheer Party in my bathroom, considering I am missing part of my large intestine. This is the story of how it all began:
I was injured in a soccer game, thrown into the wall by another player bound and determined to score and take home the title of “Over 40 Women’s Indoor Soccer Champs 2002” You got a T-shirt and everything! I had several T-shirts as I had been playing for 5 years or more. Our women’s team was the one to beat. Little did I know, that hormone driven adrenaline junkie beast of a woman who slammed me into the wall most likely saved my life! I left the field not by my own accord, she actually felt so bad she scooped me up and carried me off the field and set me on the bench. Sitting there I desperately sucked razor blade laden oxygen into what I was sure were collapsed lungs. Wiping tears of pain from my eyes, I drove home hunched over the steering wheel of my truck.
I never played soccer again…
Two days after my wall kissing event I still could not stand up straight, and I was having the most awful spasms in my back. I could not suck in a full breath. I was encouraged to get a CT scan, in case not only were my ribs most likely fractured, but my spleen or something else could have been damage as well.
My world came crashing down in a matter of hours. After the scan, several doctors were escorted into the room where I was waiting for results. There were 2 radiologists, and a surgeon. The one radiologist said “ We have your CT results and they are quite “interesting” There seems to be a MASS in your abdomen”. I remember saying, “No you have the wrong CT scan, I broke my ribs” They assured me that my ribs were in fact injured but there was a MASS encapsulating my appendix. I also remember saying “MASS belongs in church, not inside me!”
The next few days were a whirlwind of tests, consultations, big words like surgery, oncology, hemicolectomy, hysterectomy, colostomy bags, chemo, appendix cancer, mucocele, psuedomyxoma peritonei, and so on were coming out of specialist mouths. I did a ton of research on Dr. Google and the prognosis was that of dooms day. I had to do a personal time out and then took control of how I wanted to proceed. Thankfully the one MD on my side was the oncologist. Needless to say I lost a portion of my colon a week later and spent a lot of time (years) undergoing invasive testing and freaking out waiting for the next results to see if “it” had spread.
I’ve learned a few things along the way:
*Think twice before you wear a cell phone or pager on your body (the tumor was right below where my pager and cell phone belt clip was).
*Never take for granted the beauty of being “regular”
*The things we eat, say and feel affect our gut in more ways than one.
*You never know how strong you can be until you have no choice. (Cliche’ I know but true)
*A big burly woman on a path to score at a sport can in fact save your life.
*People can be Turds too.
*Life changing moments take you on a journey.
For me that journey led to my career, opening a wellness center, new friends, wonderful clients, many laughs, a few tears and the Quest for the Perfect Turd! After surgery I went from not going to the bathroom for days to everything I ate came out looking almost like it did on the plate! I spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do. I did a ton of “alternative” things, supplements, essential oils, raw food, elimination diet, fiber, water, cultured foods, acupuncture, colon hydrotherapy and so on. I was a massage therapy instructor during part of that time so anatomy and physiology were my world, I set off on a quest to get to know my guts!
Colon Hydrotherapy is just a tool along the way for some and for others it is not an option, and that is totally OK. I remind people it is also about enzymes, diet, hydration, implementing relaxation techniques, taking the time to actually go to the bathroom, learning to listen to the signals that tell you to go, probiotics, gut bacteria, supplementation, and seeing a doctor if necessary. Look into the toilet, pay attention to your body, get the support you need. Use a Squatty Potty®
I have decided that in life a sense of humor will get you through many things. I am grateful for the love and support of friends and family. Grateful even for those Turds that I’ve met along the way. Those experiences will give you courage, light your fire, teach you who you don’t want to be in life or in your career. Challenges will push you right out of your comfort zone where then you are forced to grow.
If you want more information on digestive support and colon hydrotherapy, I encourage you to come visit me at Aqua Serene Wellness, we are located in Carmel, Indiana, The round about capitol of the United States. We also have a wonderful group of professionals here that offer Holistic Skin Care Services, Functional Medicine, Massage Therapy, Acupuncture, Digestive and Holistic Nutrition Consulting, Health and Wellness Coaching, Aromatherapy and Energy Therapy.
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