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The Quest for the Perfect Turd

The Perfect Turd…

First off, let me get the disclaimer out of the way:

This post is based on my personal opinion and experience. It is not designed to treat, diagnose or make any medical claims or advice. It will however most likely offend someone, since no one likes to be told they are full of “crap”

When I started thinking about writing this blog post, I shelved it twice. It is a subject most people find embarrassing, offensive, private and quite gross. I had many titles for it; The Perfect Poop, The Scoop on Your Poop, Tales from the Toilet, but really who gives a $hit what you call it, the point is, here is my blog post and it’s about The Perfect Turd, (I divorced it…twice.)

When you come to my office and fill out the intake from you will see a diagram of The Bristol Stool Chart.

People either skip this little exercise all together or check off every one of the boxes. It helps people understand a bit more about their “habits” Usually the discussion is enlightening and people can set a personal goal and figure out the what, why and how of making The Perfect Turd. Then, once successful they can throw a private cheer party for themselves in the bathroom at home one day, document the moment MENTALLY (please no photos) and have a happy day because they are now less full of crap then the day before!

The Why….

I am going to give you a small bit of history on why I do what I do. I have been a colon hydrotherapist for about 8 years. I had some very good teachers along the way and made many friends over discussing bowel movements. Conversations with me tend to go to crap!  I met my friends Robin and Sharon this way, we worked together in the “industry” Water cooler talk?  Our water cooler was an Angel of Water® Colon Hydrotherapy Machine. Later on, I met Tina and Trina, both became colleagues of mine in the same Crappy Job, you could say we were plumbers of a sort. We are all still friends, even though they have moved on and I am still slinging “it”. We get together on occasion for dinner, a glass of wine, some live music, girl talk and the conversation always turns to what we ate, what supplement is new, the latest on gut/brain research and the scoop on poop.

Angel Of Water Colon Hydrotherapy Machine

How Soccer Saved My Life…

It is with pride that I celebrate the Private Cheer Party in my bathroom, considering I am missing part of my large intestine. This is the story of how it all began:

I was injured in a soccer game, thrown into the wall by another player bound and determined to score and take home the title of “Over 40 Women’s Indoor Soccer Champs 2002” You got a T-shirt and everything! I had several T-shirts as I had been playing for 5 years or more. Our women’s team was the one to beat. Little did I know, that hormone driven adrenaline junkie beast of a woman who slammed me into the wall most likely saved my life! I left the field not by my own accord, she actually felt so bad she scooped me up and carried me off the field and set me on the bench. Sitting there I desperately sucked razor blade laden oxygen into what I was sure were collapsed lungs. Wiping tears of pain from my eyes, I drove home hunched over the steering wheel of my truck.

I never played soccer again…

Two days after my wall kissing event I still could not stand up straight, and I was having the most awful spasms in my back. I could not suck in a full breath.  I was encouraged to get a CT scan, in case not only were my ribs most likely fractured, but my spleen or something else could have been damage as well.

My world came crashing down in a matter of hours. After the scan, several doctors were escorted into the room where I was waiting for results. There were 2 radiologists, and a surgeon. The one radiologist said “ We have your CT results and they are quite “interesting” There seems to be a MASS in your abdomen”. I remember saying, “No you have the wrong CT scan, I broke my ribs” They assured me that my ribs were in fact injured but there was a MASS encapsulating my appendix. I also remember saying “MASS belongs in church, not inside me!”

The next few days were a whirlwind of tests, consultations, big words like surgery, oncology, hemicolectomy, hysterectomy, colostomy bags, chemo, appendix cancer, mucocele, psuedomyxoma peritonei, and so on were coming out of specialist mouths. I did a ton of research on Dr. Google and the prognosis was that of dooms day. I had to do a personal time out and then took control of how I wanted to proceed. Thankfully the one MD on my side was the oncologist. Needless to say I lost a portion of my colon a week later and spent a lot of time (years) undergoing invasive testing and freaking out waiting for the next results to see if “it” had spread.

I’ve learned a few things along the way:

*Think twice before you wear a cell phone or pager on your body (the tumor was right below where my pager and cell phone belt clip was).
*Never take for granted the beauty of being “regular”
*The things we eat, say and feel affect our gut in more ways than one.
*You never know how strong you can be until you have no choice. (Cliche’ I know but true)
*A big burly woman on a path to score at a sport can in fact save your life.
*People can be Turds too.
*Life changing moments take you on a journey.

For me that journey led to my career, opening a wellness center, new friends, wonderful clients, many laughs, a few tears and the Quest for the Perfect Turd! After surgery I went from not going to the bathroom for days to everything I ate came out looking almost like it did on the plate! I spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do. I did a ton of “alternative” things, supplements, essential oils, raw food, elimination diet, fiber, water, cultured foods, acupuncture, colon hydrotherapy and so on. I was a massage therapy instructor during part of that time so anatomy and physiology were my world, I set off on a quest to get to know my guts!

The How….

Colon Hydrotherapy is just a tool along the way for some and for others it is not an option, and that is totally OK. I remind people it is also about enzymes, diet, hydration, implementing relaxation techniques, taking the time to actually go to the bathroom, learning to listen to the signals that tell you to go, probiotics, gut bacteria, supplementation, and seeing a doctor if necessary. Look into the toilet, pay attention to your body, get the support you need. Use a Squatty Potty®

Squatty Potty

 

Digestive Enzymes

Probiotics

Marco Pharma

In Conclusion…

I have decided that in life a sense of humor will get you through many things. I am grateful for the love and support of friends and family. Grateful even for those Turds that I’ve met along the way. Those experiences will give you courage, light your fire, teach you who you don’t want to be in life or in your career. Challenges will push you right out of your comfort zone where then you are forced to grow.

If you want more information on digestive support and colon hydrotherapy, I encourage you to come visit me at Aqua Serene Wellness, we are located in Carmel, Indiana, The round about capitol of the United States. We also have a wonderful group of professionals here that offer Holistic Skin Care Services, Functional Medicine, Massage Therapy, Acupuncture, Digestive and Holistic Nutrition Consulting, Health and Wellness Coaching, Aromatherapy and Energy Therapy.

Please leave a comment, or share this blog post if you can, it helps keep awareness of our well being and conversations going.

Thoughts on Holiday Indulgence from a Wellness Professional

 

While pondering on what subject I should blog about during this sugar and wheat filled season of guilt, I felt compelled to write about holiday indulgence.

First off let me add a disclaimer: This is just my experience with holiday gluttony and lack of willpower. I am in no way telling you what, why, when or how much you should indulge or abstain. These are just my own observations of years and years of enjoying the guilt of the season. After all January is next and we all know that is when the real struggle begins!

So, for starters there are a few must haves before the indulgence can even begin.
1. A very good probiotic

 

Probiotics

2. Digestive Enzymes for basic digestion

Digestive Enzymes

3. A good heartburn remedy and plan for exit strategy (pooping)

Our Serene Colon Hydrotherapy Room Featuring the Angel Of Water

Marco Pharma

5. Some discrepancy on where your food is sourced

Our Garden

We have 4 of the those 5 bases covered here at Aqua Serene Wellness!

Now onto the indulgence part.

I feel that when you eat with guilt you have just lowered the positive energy in the experience and devalued any nutrition that might have been likely in the first place. So Bless your food. Enjoy and Savor the moment, for it only comes around one time a year!

Baklava

 

The food and aromas trigger those memories of joy and abandon, don’t ruin it with guilt and negativity, and don’t ruin my choices or anyone’s for that matter with negativity either! It is called informed consent when dealing with adults. Our kids we need to teach a little bit of pacing themselves for their own sake and for the sake of those who have to try and put them to bed at night! So as you take each bite into that buttery wheat and sugar filled cookie, pie or cake relish in the memory that comes with it. Just don’t eat the entire plate full, share and then share some more!

My cheesecakes

Homemade Pizzelles

I love to cook and bake and yes some of my foods have flour and sugar, I warn anyone who is gluten, dairy or sugar intolerant what is in the food. I can tell you absolutely none of the food I bake has artificial colors, flavors or preservatives. I use only organic baking goods, backyard eggs (my backyard) real organic butter and dairy and when possible honey from local bees, maple syrup from my trees, and sugar that is organic and sustainably sourced. The absolute most important ingredient in any item that comes from my circa 1950’s kitchen is LOVE! This null and voids any “bad” ingredient hands down in my personal opinion.

Maple Syrup from our trees

I try to mostly feed my soul. In the Winter it is from the kitchen, cooking and baking, canning and experimenting is something that calms me, makes me happy and I love to do. This feeds the people I love and my own passions. I will say, I do miss my double convection bake oven, professional line gas stove and counter space that three people could take a nap on, but still give me a burner, a mixer, a 1950’s basic electric stove and a cutting board and I can still manage to whip out love and a thing of beauty.

 

In Summer I feed my soul by gardening, canning, eating food right off the vine and foraging in my woods for berries. Most of my “Soul Food” comes from my own yard and kitchen, and if not then I go to local markets and organic grocery stores where I tend to lose hours of my time. Did I mention I love food? I have to steer clear of kitchen gadget stores I want them all! I cannot go to a Pampered Chef party…ever!

Black Raspberries from our woods

Black Raspberry Jam

So during this holiday party scene that is once again upon us I want to remind you that it is OK to eat the cookie, drink the holiday cocktail (as long as you have a safe way to get home) and lick the beaters, just don’t put them back in the batter! Bless the food you make with LOVE, as well as the food you eat. Share that recipe, share the cookies and share the LOVE. You are making memories for those you love and visiting memories from those that have left us.

Photo Credit Willie Stark

 

Fermented kefir water

We will have a Cleanse Special in January to help with exit strategies and get you back on track. I want to remind you it will be so much easier to reset your gut if you are eating fermented foods, taking probiotics and enzymes as well as eliminating during the indulgence season. We have 10% off our digestive enzymes and probiotics through the end of the year!

Have you Pooped Today?

We send Love to all of you during this season from all of us here at Aqua Serene Wellness. We are located in Carmel Indiana, and the 100th Round-about just opened up on E. Carmel Drive which is where we are. Please leave a comment about a favorite holiday memory, we will choose one to feature in a drawing for a Gift Certificate for an Ionic Foot Detox!

We offer Colon Hydrotherapy, Organic Skin Care Services, Energy Therapy, Ionic Foot Detox, Massage, Acupuncture, Functional Medicine, Raindrop Technique, Jin Shin Jyutsu® and Digestive Wellness. Visit the wonderful practitioners in our office: Eastern Wind Acupuncture ,

Simply Serene Massage, Wellspring Functional Health, White Wolf Services

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